Argy-bhaji

I had just locked the garage door when I noticed the coriander had bolted. And what with the rather sad looking fennel in the fridge I realised I needed to turn my neglect into something positive. The crisp crunch of anything deep-fried is a textural pleasure and as naughty as it feels, it doesn't necessarily mean it's unhealthy. Unless of course we are talking Mars Bars or perhaps a saveloy, made from who knows what. Vegetable tempura, crisp on the outside and delicate within, salt and pepper prawns, elderflowers, even. If you keep it hot and quick and don't do it every day, things will be ok.So to rescue the fennel I used it in place of onions in a bhaji. And I plucked what coriander leaves and stems I could save and blitzed them with green chillies and garlic to make a fiery green chutney to dip the zesty, spiced fennel into.These are also good with a herby yoghurt dip if there are children or chilli scaredy-cats lurking around the place. If you don't have some of the spices, which I admit can be a little tricky to get hold of (unless you live near Tooting) feel free to leave them out. For an even speedier version, just make a batter with garam masala or curry powder, it will still be delicious.IngredientsFor the batter:5 cloves1tsp fennel seeds1tsp coriander seeds1tsp black mustard seeds1tsp amchoor (mango) powder1/2tsp nigella seeds1/2tsp tukmuria (basil) seeds1tsp cumin seeds1/2tsp cardamon seeds1tsp turmeric powderSalt and pepper to season100g Chickpea flour (gram flour)Enough water to make a batter as thick as double cream.1 fennel bulb, slicedFor the chutney:A large handful of coriander leaves and stemsA few green chilliesA clove of garlicA splash of cider vinegarA pinch of saltMethodGrind the spices to a powder and mix with the chickpea flour. Stir in the water to make a batter.Meanwhile, blitz the chutney ingredients together in a blender and set aside.Heat two litres of rapeseed oil in a deep-fat fryer to 180c or half fill a heavy-based saucepan with the oil and heat. It's ready when you drop a little batter in it and it immediately sizzles and starts to colour.Dip the fennel in the batter and fry in small batches. Drain on kitchen paper and serve hot with the chutney.This weekWatchedBirdman with Michael Keaton. Excellently acted and directed, I really felt we were part of the theatre. A few bits of it left me a little cold and annoyed, although perhaps that's because we were watching it outside as part of the Crystal Palace festival. ListenedMoses Boyd, Time and Space, and Absolute Zero. Two contemporary Jazz albums from a young man born in Catford. Very, very good.ReadSome poems by John Hegley and a few more by Joe Duggan, two of the performers we saw at the Antenna Studios spoken word event as part of the  C.P. festival again. Both as enjoyable as ever. John Hegley is a master. And very grumpy too. And Joe's soft Irish delivery and witty lyricism can be both warm and poignant at once.

Cheeses born at Christmas

It's December and time to see how many of our Christmas decorations have survived being shoved at the bottom of the hall cupboard for a year.How many bulbs have broken, where the reindeer's antlers have gone, have you seen the other half of the It's a Wonderful Life DVD and why is The Night Before Christmas missing its cover? are games we love to play every December. Often there is a sock I've been missing for 12 months wrapped around something and the door wreath always needs parts re-glueing.It will be a monumental task this year getting the place ready. The decorator is still there like a paint splattered Yuletide elf, the kitchen is scattered through various rooms and I'm still using the dishwasher as storage against the dust,Being able to open a cupboard and make a snack, or put the kettle on is something we take for granted. Even going for a pee is a treacherous obstacle course in the middle of the night, made only slightly easier now as for some reason the bathroom light is permanently on as half the wires and fittings dangle like a broken and fizzing dystopian New York Jazz bar sign.Until it is finished, simple snacks like this Parmesan crisp bring a smile to our faces on the bleakest of evenings as we perch on our bed with no home to go to even though we're in it.Seven minutes in a dust-covered oven is all this takes, although it may be quicker without the debris. You can add all kinds of seasonings if you're able to find any of your spices under the broken jars and cracked picture frames. Fennel seeds, cumin, rosemary and so on would all be a good addition. And if you can find a box to store them in, they will keep for two or three days.You can also do what I did with them the other night. Boil some spaghetti in heavily salted water until al dente, drain it, keeping a little of the starchy cooking water and crush in a couple of anchovies* -- perhaps it was four -- a good tablespoon of butter and a heavy hand with some chilli olive oil. An extra sprinkle of grated Parmesan and a little salt and pepper made an excellent meal that took no longer to cook than the time it takes to order a new, working set of Christmas lights on the internet.*salty black olives would work if you can't bear anchovies.IngredientsHalf a standard supermarket block of Parmesan or Grana PadanoA small handful of chopped, fresh parsley2tbsp of finely chopped peanuts (pulse in the processor if you like)1tbsp dried garlic flakes (or 1tsp chopped fresh garlic)1tbsp desiccated coconutSalt and black pepper to seasonMethodWipe off the dust from everything.Heat the oven to 180c and line a baking tray with parchment.Grate the cheese in an even layer all over the parchment and sprinkle the remaining ingredients over.Bake in the oven for 6-8 minutes, making sure the cheese is golden yellow and not burnt. Keep an eye on it, the edges brown quicker than the centre. Turn the tray around halfway through if you feel you need to.Leave to cool and harden before breaking up, which isn't hard to do, and serve as an apéro or store in an airtight box for up to two days.

Fritter the days away

Now I'm an adult (at least physically and legally) I can choose to eat cold, soggy cheeseburgers and limp fries for breakfast in a bowling alley on a Saturday morning if I like. I didn't really like, but seeing as the 12 children we were taking out for Noah and Maya's birthday party were demolishing an early lunch, I thought it only polite to go down with the ship and tuck in myself.And the other night, exhausted from a full day of more birthday activities and lunch with grandparents, as the mature grown-ups we are, we decided to eat crisps for supper. I'm still thirsty now. Although in my defence, I did make houmous and gucamole from scratch to dip them into (ooh, get me). So the level of gastronomy around these parts hasn't been outstanding recently.I made a frankly quite strange Thai green curry the other night; I put too many bananas in the banana bread I made, turning it into hot banana purée cake which was a mistake I won't be repeating, even though it repeated on us for a while; the chicken, mushroom and natural yoghurt rice dish I made on Saturday was as if a 1980s robot was in charge of the cooking. Everything has been done in a hurry or in desperation. Apart from the kebabs we had, but then it isn't that tricky to cover cubes of chicken in spices and oil, stick them on a skewer with red onion and courgette cubes and char them on the grill, even if you can barely see straight.The stand out dish for me this week was these hot and quick sweetcorn fritters. I used some of the green curry paste I had left over in the mix and we dipped them in Sriracha rather than the more traditional sweet chilli sauce, which I would have preferred. But having run out of it a while ago, and developing a hate-up against it, haven't replaced. It has been over-used. Rather like tinned sweetcorn, which to me is over-used if you open it.The two  legitimate uses I can think of for it are as a pencil pot and for making these fritters. I really am struggling to think of another that isn't disgusting. I suppose sweetcorn relish is fairly acceptable in a burger occasionally if you have a gun pointed at your head and have no choice. Even then I'd possibly rather watch mixed doubles tennis, that's how much I dislike it.We keep a couple of tins in the cupboard for emergency use with the children (to throw at them when they won't get into bed). But even they find it a little sweet and sickly. Not even the addition of butter, which normally makes everything better, really improves it. So that leaves the big guns: deep-frying. The answer to all our problems.This makes a good plateful, and as PT Barnum once said (or perhaps it was Walt Disney) "Wenn's am schönsten ist, soll man gehen."Ingredients1 tin of sweetcorn1 egg2tbsp plain flour1tbsp cornflour1/2tsp baking powder1 spring onion1tbsp Thai green curry paste (if you have any)1 chopped red birdseye chilliA splash of water to make a thick batterA handful of fresh curly parsley leaves, shreddedRapeseed oil or groundnut oil to deep frySalt, limes, red onion, cucumber, parsley or coriander and Sriracha or sweet chilli sauce to serveMethodBlitz together all the ingredients (apart from the oil and the serving extras) until you have a fairly thick and creamy batter. Try not to blitz the corn too much, half puréed and half whole is ideal.Heat the oil in a deep-fat fryer or heavy saucepan (about half way up if you're doing it in a pan) to 180c and drop a tablespoon full of the batter at a time into the hot oil. Cook in batches, don't overcrowd the pan. It won't be pleasant, more like a sloppy mess.Cook until golden, flipping in the oil once.Drain on kitchen paper and continue until you've used all the mixture.Serve sprinkled with the extras, a good squeeze of lime juice is essential. I like mine with a lot of chilli heat too, but that's up to you of course.

Rice to the occasion

 "I quite like them" said Noah after he'd eaten half an arancini and left the rest on the kitchen bench, wandering off to then hole up in a corner with a book. Bee says she still thinks they're a strange idea (I mean, who wouldn't love a deep-fried rice ball? And Maya, whom I think perhaps ate too many strawberries before supper gingerly nibbled the corner off and then stared into space for a while, dreaming up her next, no doubt cheeky move.The past week has been bonkers, we are longing for some calm evenings in our life, that don't involve falling asleep face down in the soup.After sitting on a chair made of the hardest substance known to man in a howling ice gale at Crystal Palace's outdoor cinema, part of the annual Crystal Palace Festival, my bum is only just getting some feeling back into it. The film, Sideways, will now forever be associated with numbness in the bottom. And lack of any feeling in my fingers and toes. These are some of the problems I have to deal with in my life. It's difficult.Another part of the festival, and in a performance of true Englishness, the spoken word evening we went to was as if Totnes were on LSD. Accordions and typewriters accompanied whispered poetry in a baking hot room again on rocks for seats. The heat had made the room smell very human, like a poetry school changing-room.And in a modern tableau, at the festival itself, while the sun baked down on us, a nun, staring into her phone while walking along bumped into me. Perhaps she thought God would guide her. Perhaps he was on another call.Among all this, there has been good food, especially at one of my favourite restaurants, Alle Testiere from Venice doing a guest night at Polpetto in Soho. That was a real treat. Delicious seafood, spider crab, Venetian snacks and more all came to me in London. Sadly, we couldn't get a  babysitter, so Bee stayed at home. Although she's not that keen on seafood, so it could have appeared to be a little convenient.And that reminded me that I've been meaning to make arancini for ages. Nothing to do with Venice, but I did eat little deep-fried breadcrumbed balls filled with stuff to start. So on Thursday, I busted the children out of after school club and brought them home to ignore me and my cooking. Although, I did catch Maya drinking the vinaigrette straight from the mixing jar. She loved that, at least.Ingredients300g risotto, approx550ml chicken or vegetable stock1 small onion, diced finely1 garlic clove, crushedOlive oilA large knob of butter, be generousParmesan to grate, salt to seasonPanko breadcrumbs for coating1 egg, beaten with a splash of water1 ball of mozarellaA tablespoon of beef ragu per ball (optional, you can just make cheese ones, but I like to make a batch and save it for tagliatelle during the week)Rapeseed oil for fryingMethodMake the risotto in the usual way, until it's creamy and unctuous but with a hint of bite.Shake the pan violently as you stir in a load of butter and cheese at the end then cover and leave for five minutes. Check and adjust the seasoning, risotto needs to be well seasoned.Spread the cooked rice out on a tray and leave it to cool quickly. Stir it around every now and then to help.When cool, take a small handful and put a nugget of cheese in the middle. Add a spoonful of the meat sauce if using and form a ball around the filling. Add a little more rice if you need to. I made the cheese ones into cone shapes after to differentiate them, but that's your choice.Dip each ball in beaten egg then roll in the breadcrumbs until really well covered. Dip and roll again, giving it a second coat if you feel it needs it.Heat a pan half full of the rapeseed oil or use a deep-fat fryer. Fry each ball until golden all over and drain on kitchen paper. Serve with a salad and whatever vinaigrette remains if Maya's been anywhere near it.

Having a ball

Recently, before Christmas and in the throes of trying to establish a new world record for sugar consumption, I bought a box of gulab jamun from the local supermarket. I've eaten a few Indian sweets before on the mean streets of Tooting: kulfi on a stick, jalebis and so on,  each time suffering an immediate and swift ecstatic rush followed by an instant diabetic death., but these were in a league of their own. They came in a palatial bath of syrup, enough to upset even the most sweet toothed cake lover. Of course, I ate the whole box.So now, as life is slowly groaning back into gear and constantly attempting to violate our cosy January, I am as much as possible off the sugar. This, in part is an attempt to try and regain my Adonis-like figure*, which I seem to have misplaced somewhere in 1994, and also, because sugar is, really, the devil's work. However, we all need a little devil from time to time, so a little treat here and there is necessary to keep up morale.These are my version of the sugar soaked sponge, baked rather than fried and not as soaked in syrup as the original (they also don't have milk powder in them). You'll need a round mini cake sphere mould or a cake pop maker, both of which are pretty cheap and easy to find. If not, you could spoon the mix into mini fairy cake moulds. The children loved making and eating these, and it makes a nice change to the icing clad, mouth clagging fairy cakes they usually want and then give up on halfway through.I used a bought caramel sauce that I had leftover from a job, but feel free to make your own, it's not hard.*not even remotely Adonis-like, more just a lot slimmer than I am now.Ingredients100g butter100g golden caster sugar100g plain flour1tsp baking powder1 egg1tsp cinnamon powder1/2tsp ground cloves1/2tsp ground cardammonA small handful of chopped pistachio nutsSome dried rose petalsA little gold leaf and edible glitter if you fancyFor the syrup50g golden caster sugar1tbsp waterA few saffron strands2tsp ground cinnamonMethodHeat the oven to 180c or turn on the machine and preheat it.Cream together the butter and sugar until pale and fluffy, then beat in the egg until smooth.Mix together the flour, spices and baking powder and add a little at a time to the butter mix, beating until smooth.Fill the moulds and bake for about seven minutes, until golden. Leave to cool a little.Make the syrup by bringing the sugar, cinnamon powder and water gently to the boil and then reducing it until syrupy, about five minutes.Pile the cake balls onto a plate, pour over the syrup and caramel sauce then sprinkle over the nuts, petals and gold. Serve slightly warm with coffee, or Thums Up! coke if you want a real rush, uncontrollable children and no teeth left.