Mind your onions.

They're home for the next few weeks because of the school Easter holidays. I have a glut of onions from a job the other day, so to annoy them, I've decided to peel them all as an excuse to make an onion tart. This should give me a little peace as they barricade themselves in their bedroom to stem the tears like two little sans-culottes against a tide of sulphurous soldiers.So far this week, I've managed to turn a trip to the DIY shop and the fitting of a new loo seat into a family activity and am already exhausted of ideas to entertain them. And while they watch Trolls for the billionth time, I wonder whether they would be willing to help me at least make the puff pastry before demanding I put on Moana, participate in another tea party,  take them on scooters to the park, go to the toy shop, go all over the world, fix things, stop one from looking at the other the wrong way, play Frozen Top Trumps or feed them MORE FOOD.You'd think they hadn't eaten for weeks the way they keep telling me every day how hungry they are from the moment I open my eyes after Maya's cries of "Dadddyy...? ... can you come and wipe my bum" to just before they clean their teeth for bed. And this is with me even feeding them their three meals a day...I do misrepresent them, they are, ninety-five percent of the time completely delicious, so instead of enlisting them as galley slaves, they went off to the cinema, I bought puff pastry from the shop and let the oven do the work while the house was calm for a while.You can cook the onions with the sunday roast if you like, they will keep for a day,  or you can slowly cook them in butter in a large sauté pan. I layed mine in a roasting dish, drizzled them with oil and butter a dash of balsamic and a few sprigs of thyme and rosemary, poured in a little veal stock and roasted them for about an hour and a half in the oven until soft, melting, rich and golden. Then all that remained was to put them in a pie dish, lay the pastry over the top, tucking them in tightly and putting them back in for half an hour or so, until the pastry was crisp and flaky. Cooled and turned out it sits on the side waiting to be served with a green salad and sharp dressing.IngredientsA bag of onions, peeled and halved equatorially1 sheet of ready rolled puff pastry (or homemade which is far superior, just depends on your mood or willingness)A few thyme and rosemary sprigsSome olive oil and butter100ml veal stock or beef or vegetable if you preferSalt and pepper to seasonMethodHeat the oven to gas 8, whatever that is in C. I generally just turn the oven on or off and turn it down a little if things are cooking to quickly and up a bit if too slowly.Put the onions, flat face up in a baking dish and add all the ingredients except the pastry.Cook in the oven for about an hour and a half, remove and leave to cool slightly. They should be soft, caramelising and golden.Place them in a large enough but snug sauté pan so they sit tightly then tuck over and in the pastry. Poke a little hole in the middle.Cook in the oven for 25-30 minutes, until the pastry is golden, puffed and crisp.Leave to cool a little then turn out onto a large plate. Serve warm.

The Absolute 'Pie-agne'

We got back from Paris on the weekend. Now there's a city that knows what to do with pastry. Crumbling and flaky lemon tarts, strawberries glazed and nestling in creme patissiere held in a rich, sweet shell, buttery croissants that melt in your mouth...Each afternoon we would return to the apartment via our local patisserie, loading up on cakes for the afternoon slump. The children loved choosing from the jewel-case like counter. The owner, however, had no truck with our indecision. As I added another item to the list she threw her arms in the air and almost spat the words "Oh, it's all change now isn't it?" with a huge Gallic shrug, as if the the very act of me wanting to buy more than one pastry was testament to my complete imbecility.So I wonder what she would make of today's recipe. This is what we do with pastry in England, madame... It's a little different. Well, it's a lot different actually. It's National pie week and I find myself creating a hybrid, what could possibly be my 'cronut' moment. Yes, it's a lasagne pie. Thanks to the invitation from Christian O'Connell, and Richie Firth's culinary vision on the Absolute Radio breakfast show, I present you with the 'pie-agne'. In my humble opinion, it's genius. And while there is no photo to accompany this post of the actual pie, here is the footage of the tasting. Make of the reaction what you will. If that doesn't encourage you to make it, I don't know what will.This isn't really a quick midweek meal, but if you also make the individual ones (which I highly recommend), you will have in your hand a portable lasagne to take with you for that snack on the tube, a sneaky elevenses at work or just something to flaunt at strangers.Serves: 6 plus 3 individual onesPrep time: 45 minutesCooking time: 3 hours (most of this is the sauce slowly simmering in the background)IngredientsFor the ragù900g beef mince, 15% fat60g diced pancetta3 small chicken livers, finely sliced1 onion, finely diced1 carrot, finely diced1 stick of celery, finely sliced1 glass of white wineA few sage leaves1 rosemary sprig1 thyme sprigA splash of milk700ml Tomato passata2tbsp tomato puréeOlive oilSalt and pepper to seasonFor the béchamel75g butter75g flour750ml milk1 fresh bay leaf2tsp grated nutmegSalt and pepperFor the pastry case3 packs of ready-rolled all butter puff pastryGrated ParmesanMethodGently heat a large saucepan with some olive oil and add the chopped onion, carrot and celery, season a little then cook gently until soft. Add the herbs and cook for a further minute before adding the pancetta.Turn the heat up a little and cook the pancetta for five minutes before adding the minced beef. Season again, stir well and cook until browned and there is almost no liquid remaining in the pan.Add the chicken livers, stir well then pour in the wine and reduce until there’s almost no liquid.Add a splash of milk and a grating of nutmeg, stir well then pour in the passata.Bring to the boil, reduce to a very gentle simmer and cook with a lid on for at least an hour, two is better.Make the béchamel by melting the butter then stirring in the flour, nutmeg, salt and pepper.Add a large splash of milk and whisk well. Keep gently adding milk and whisking all the time until it becomes smooth and glossy. Add the bay leaf and simmer for ten minutes until thick.heat the oven to 180c/gas 6.Line a lasagne dish with sheets of dried lasagne then a spread a layer of béchamel sauce over and a sprinkle of Parmesan. Add a layer of the ragù then another layer of pasta. Repeat until the dish is full, finishing with a layer of béchamel and Parmesan.Bake in the oven for about 35-40 minutes until golden on top. Remove and leave to cool a little.Line a greased loose bottomed cake tin with the pastry, making sure there are no gaps and the sides are well joined to the bottom. Fill with the lasagne, top with a circle of pastry, sprinkle over some more Parmesan and a few teaspoons of butter then a twist of pepper. Bake again in the oven for forty minutes until the pastry is golden and puffed up evenly.Leave to cool a little before carefully removing from the tin.To make the mini ones, line some pie ramekins with pastry and fill with the lasagne. You may find it easier to cut sheets of cooked pasta to fit before layering. Build in the same way as the large pie, finishing with a pastry crust. Cook these for about 25-30 minutes, being careful they don’t burn on top.Leave to cool before removing and serve warm.

A right pear

The pears arrived, hard as meteorites, risking dental appointments for the children. A few days later, after sitting in a bowl, one had turned to a mould-spotted mush and the others were looking suspicious.Never mind. A little scraping and carving here and there rendered them perfect for a tart, and a few eggs, some flour and sugar mixed with almond syrup and butter later, I was pouring the mixture into a prepared puff pastry case.The classic pear tart, or even the frangipane version will keep and make me very happy. This combined the two, more really down to me wanting to use up ingredients that needed using than by design. And the result was simple, fairly quick, and definitely very tasty.  Finish off with toasted and flaked almonds if you like. I didn't because I forgot.Ingredients300g puff pastry (I had the half of a homemade block in the freezer, well worthwhile)2 pears, cored100g sugar100g butter100g flour2 eggs6 cardamom pods, seeds removed and ground1tbsp orgeat syrup1tbsp almond butterIcing sugar to dustMethodHeat the oven to 180c, gas mark 5.Heat a pan and add the pears. Throw in a good amount of butter and about a handful of sugar getting the pears well covered and add in the cardamom . Cook on a fairly high heat for about five minutes, until they're nicely caramelised.Grease and flour a 20cm tin then line it with the pastry.Line that with baking parchment and fill with baking beans and blind bake for 15 minutes.Remove from the oven, take out the beans and paper and trim the pastry edge. Poke the base all over with a fork and put back in the oven for ten minutes, turning once to keep the cooking even.Remove from the oven while you make the filling.In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar then mix in the eggs. Beat until combined then slowly add the flour, mixing well until fully combined. Add in the syrup and butter and mix well.Fill the tart case and place the pears on top.Bake in the oven for twenty minutes, then turn once and bake for a further fifteen minutes until the cake is set but still moist.Leave to cool a little and dust with icing sugar. This is best eaten slightly warm.

Simple Pleasures

Garlic grilled lobster, 24 hour slow-roast pork, smoked salmon scrambled eggs, roast chicken. The list of snacks the children are asking me for each evening they get back from after school club is becoming a joke. And now, they are demanding I just whip them up a tarte Tatin.*They already have a strong attachment to certain dishes, and as they grow up these meals will be remembered and recreated with, I hope, the same comforting happiness I attach to my childhood meals from my mum and grandparents. Most people love their mum's roast chicken, or their Granny's apple crumble. Although in my case I've developed a love for frozen chocolate gateaux wafted with the aroma of Player's Navy Cut cigarettes. It's a funny thing, nostalgia.I don't think they will talk fondly of Daddy's lark's wing soufflé with basil foam, compressed finger lime and watermelon (Nb.) but will probably look fondly on the roasts, bolognese, crumbles, 'taco day', korma with fluffy rice and soothing dhal and the simple home cooking we all crave as adults.The classics are classic for a reason. And generally survive because of their simplicity. That doesn't necessarily mean they're all completely easy to make. A beurre blanc or Hollandaise can easily split, a risotto can become as thick and stodgy as Donald Trump and a salmon steak can be as tough as a shoe if you don't pay attention. But the pleasure these simple dishes give is as joyful as a walk on a misty autumn morning or reading a book by the fire on a cold night.And so to the tarte Tatin. Or, if you prefer, the tarte Solognote. Traditionally made with apples it's the French comfort food par excellence. I also love making it with pears, but may cast my net as wide as mirabelle plums, apricots and even banana for a laugh. It also works brilliantly with shallots for a savoury version. Make sure you use a good pan that is suitable for the hob and oven. I use the incomparable prospector pan from Netherton Foundry, a thing of great beauty.This time, I made my own puff pastry from scratch. It's a wonderful thing to do and the difference is sublime. It's very easy, really, it just takes a little time so do it on a weekend, make plenty and freeze it. I'm not going to give a recipe here for it, but be prepared to use  a whole block of butter. You'll also need a dedicated spot in the kitchen, it needs rolling, folding and chilling about seven times.Failing that, buy some all butter ready-made puff pastry. You can't be as smug, but it will still give a very good result. I used a mix of Bramley and Braeburn apples this time, but fully Braeburned is usually how I roll. I also sprinkled a little thyme into the mix but that's up to you. Whatever you choose to do, this is a dish of most excellent comfort.Ingredients1 Braeburn apple, peeled, cored and cut into wedges3 Bramley apples, as aboveA good handful or two of unrefined golden caster sugarA splodge of butterEnough rolled out puff pastry to cover the top of the pan with an overhang to tuck inA pinch of thyme if you likeMethodGet the oven nice and hot. About gas mark 8 or 220c.Heat the sugar in the pan until it melts and starts to turn to a soft caramel. Add the butter and neatly layer in the apples. Cook for a minute or two then add the thyme if using and layer the pastry over the top, tucking it in around the apples edges.Transfer to the oven and cook for about twenty minutes, until the pastry is risen and golden.Remove from the oven and carefully turn upside down onto a plate. Leave for a minute before removing the pan and serve hot or warm. Or eat it cold from the fridge just before bed when no-one's looking.*Not true. They normally ask for a yoghurt or banana or the occasional biscuit. We haven't raised Veruca Salt and her brother here.

French Tarts, or Taking the Pisaladière

I love a French tart. As Barry Cryer once said, "if you want an innuendo, I'll give you one", but that is beside the point. I prefer them sweet, but I'm not averse to the occasional savoury one such as tomato and herbs or roast vegetable. The best by far though, is the pisaladière. Sadly, I'm the only anchovy fan in this house which means we never have it. It's not the kind of thing you make in single portions. I have, therefore, made this alternative which uses strong olives and mushroom powder. I find the olives a pretty good substitute and often use them in salsa verde too.The key to this is long and slow. You must  take the onions out for a romantic meal, a walk along the Seine, across the Pont Neuf with the lights of Notre Dame twinkling behind you. You must slowly kiss along their arm, whispering sweet nothings by the light of the moon.Then, and only then can you think about the next stage. What's good about this dish is that it is fairly effortless, unless you make your own puff pastry- which I would recommend every once in a while, and yields results that are far greater than the sum of its parts.That is to say, that like the French, you do a little work, then have a long break and sit down to lunch. Whether you have an affair in between is up to you. But the melting, sweet onions and the slightly sharp saltiness of the olives combined with the crisp flakiness of the pastry make this an affair to remember.Ingredients500g white onions, finely slicedSalt to seasonOlive oil320g puff pastryA few sprigs of thymeA pinch of rosemary leaves1tbsp dried mushroom powderA few handfuls of mixed olives, sliced and choppedExcellent olive oil to drizzle (I have a separate special bottle for this purpose)MethodCook the onions in some olive oil in a lidded pan with a pinch of salt, the thyme and rosemary for about an hour on the lowest heat you can. Take the lid of for the final 15 minutes then leave to cool.Heat the oven to 180c.Roll out the pastry on to a lined 32cm baking sheet and trim the pastry to fit. If you've made your own, bravo. It will make a difference. If, however, you feel life is too short or you just couldn't be bothered, never mind. It will still be delicious. (Try and get all butter puff pastry if you buy it.)Prick the base all over with a fork then spread over the onion, leaving a one centimetre gap around the edge. Brush the edge with beaten egg.Spread the onion all over, dust with the mushroom powder then dot with the olives. Cook for about 15-18 minutes until the pastry is golden. This is best served warm, not hot, so leave to cool for about 20 minutes. A tomato salad with the hint of shallot and some crusty baguette is perfect with this.